It’s Not What You Say But How You Say It

As a kid, I often made requests that didn’t sound much like requests: “Mom, I need a ride to Emily’s house.”

She’d raise an eyebrow. “Let’s try that again.”

I’d sigh, roll my eyes, and mutter something about how I did ask. But I knew what my mom meant. The words were there, but the tone? Not so much. Instead of a polite inquiry, I made a demand. Instead of appreciation, there was an assumption.

And, sure enough, the next time it happened, she’d remind me again. And again. And offer, “It’s not what you say but how you say it.”

Fast forward years later, and there I was—her words coming out of my mouth, echoing the line I used to resist. Sitting in a 1:1 with an employee, coaching them on how to gain buy-in for their ideas, I counseled, “It’s not what you say, but how you say it. You made the right points but delivered them in a way that your audience heard as strident.”

Our words are just one piece of the puzzle. How we deliver them—our tone, presence, and intention—determines whether they have an impact or fall flat. A simple shift from directive to collaborative, sharp to steady, rushed to intentional can make a positive difference.

How to Improve Your Communication & Tone at Work

If you’ve ever felt like someone didn’t receive your message the way you intended, consider these five ways to improve your communication:

1. Match Your Tone to Your Message
   Your voice should reinforce your intent. Suppose you’re offering encouragement; sound encouraging. If you’re offering constructive feedback, be clear without being overly critical. A warm, steady tone builds trust, while a cold or abrupt one creates distance.

2. Slow Down & Be Present
   Rushed words can sound careless. You sound more thoughtful and intentional when you take a moment to breathe, think, and deliver your message at a measured pace. People are more likely to engage when they feel you’re present in the conversation.

3. Choose Words That Invite, Not Dictate
   Phrases like “I need you to…” or “You should…” sound like demands. Instead, try “What if we…” or “Have you considered…” to foster collaboration. It’s a simple shift that moves people from resistance to openness.

4. Be Mindful of Body Language & Facial Expressions
   Your tone isn’t just in your voice—it’s in your posture, eye contact, and facial expressions. A well-phrased message loses its power if paired with crossed arms, an eye roll, or a disengaged look. Practice for your body to reinforce, not contradict, your words.

5. Listen First, Then Speak
   The best communicators aren’t just good talkers—they’re great listeners. Before responding, take a beat to listen to what someone said. When people feel heard, they’re far more receptive to your words.

It’s Not Just What You Say—It’s How You Say It

A minor tweak in delivery can mean the difference between resistance and agreement, frustration and cooperation. I didn’t always see this as a kid, but I see it now—at work, at home, in leadership, and life.

The next time you sense your message isn’t landing? Pause. Adjust. And remember, “It’s not what you say; it’s how you say it.”

What’s a time when you’ve seen this play out in your own life?